How to successfully co-parent with a difficult ex
“It’s important to prioritise your children’s well-being above everything else.”
By Aisling Clifford, Partner at Coote Family Lawyers
Co-parenting can be tough for any separated couple, but it gets even harder with a combative ex-spouse. The early stages of separation might make an amicable co-parenting relationship seem impossible.
Still, emotions and conflict don’t have to stop you from having a successful co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Even for the most amicable exes, negotiating children’s care arrangements can be difficult. If your ex-partner displays narcissistic traits, the path forward can be even rockier, as narcissistic personalities thrive on creating unnecessary conflict and drama.
Achieving an agreement is just the beginning; getting your ex to stick to the “agreed” rules presents a whole new set of challenges.
How to co-parent with a difficult ex
Set clear boundaries (and set them early) with your co-parent
Setting boundaries and abiding by those boundaries is essential to ringfence bad behaviour.
For example, limit contact to matters related to children and family, set rules for handovers with children and define where and when you will interact with your ex in person.
Set communication guidelines, including what you’ll respond to, the frequency you’re comfortable with, and the method you’ll use.
Also, highlight that unless it’s an emergency you are not ‘on-call’ and that you will only communicate via agreed channels so that you don’t feel harassed from multiple angles.
Keep records and consider using a co-parenting app
Parenting apps can be used to effectively assist in managing communication between separated parties and to archive and store messages. These apps are designed to help parents communicate and exchange family information all in one place through tools like calendars and permanently recorded text messages.
Using a co-parenting app records all disputes and changes. As a result, it helps reinforce good behaviour and reduces misunderstandings and conflict.
Keep a record of interactions where you’ve faced hostility with your ex. If their behavior doesn’t improve, these records can help with negotiating your children’s care arrangements through family dispute resolution or serve as evidence in court.
To document interactions, communicate via email or text message; this way, you have a written record of your conversations.
Formalise your agreement
Create a formal agreement that records the agreed terms that you have reached with your ex. Formal agreements can include a parenting plan or consent court orders.
Both documents set out the care arrangements for your children together with the necessary details to create clear guidelines for contact and communication. Speak with your lawyer to identify which type of agreement best suits your circumstances.
Advice from a lawyer can help you achieve a positive outcome for your family without going to court, even if it seems daunting.
Don’t get sucked into their drama
Individuals with high-conflict personalities will often attempt to create drama to keep you engaged and maintain the upper hand.
These behaviours can take many forms. For example, they might play the victim, tell lies, gaslight you, or badmouth you to others. Ultimately, their goal is to control or manipulate you.
While it’s tempting to want to defend yourself, reacting will likely only serve to fuel the situation. It also has the potential to distract you from what’s most important, prioritising your and your children’s needs.
Therefore, the best way to avoid falling into this trap is to not react at all and stay focused on the facts and logistics necessary to co-parent safely and effectively.
If you start responding emotionally, pause the conversation to give yourself time to respond calmly and rationally.
Prioritise the children’s needs
Separation and divorce are tough for the whole family, especially children who may struggle with the changes.
Co-parenting keeps both parents involved and provides emotional stability. Prioritise your children’s well-being above all else.
Turbulent, chaotic, or inconsistent co-parenting will only cause distress and uncertainty for your children.
Create a consistent, predictable environment. Even while managing difficult personalities and enforcing boundaries, this approach will help your family recover and thrive.
