Sibling aggression and abuse go beyond rivalry – bullying within a family can have lifelong repercussions

When sibling rivalry is more than ‘simple’ sibling rivalry…

By Corinna Jenkins Tucker and Tanya Rouleau Whitworth

Nearly 80% of US children grow up with a sibling. For many, brothers and sisters are life companions, close confidants and sharers of memories. But siblings also are natural competitors for parents’ attention. When brothers and sisters view parents’ love and attention as limited – or lopsided in favour of their sibling – rivalry may ensue.

Rivalry can motivate children to develop unique talents, abilities – such as in academics, sports or music – and other characteristics to gain their parents’ attention. Sometimes, however, rivalry can lead to jealousy and bickering – and too much of it can lead to aggression, bullying and even abuse and violence.

We are researchers who focus on sibling dynamics, parenting and mental health. Conflict among siblings is widely viewed as normal but, in the past decade, a new body of research consistently shows that sibling aggression and abuse are far from harmless – and can have lifelong repercussions.

Overlooking aggression

Aggressive behaviour is characterised by an intent to cause harm, including physical pain and humiliation. Many behaviours between siblings fit this definition.

In 2013, using data from over 1,700 US children, we found one-third of children under age 18 experienced physical, property or psychological sibling victimisation in the previous year. In fact, sibling aggression is the most common form of family violence, with more children victimised by a sibling than by a caregiver. It’s a form of family violence not talked about, despite its ubiquity.

Great efforts have been aimed at reducing peer aggression, better known as peer bullying. The negative consequences of peer bullying are widely recognised. But a 2015 survey of 4,000 American children showed more are victimised over the course of a year by a sibling (21.8%) than by a peer (15.6%).

When peer bullying occurs, parents want it stopped – and experts encourage parents to talk with their children about what happened. Corrective action can include helping the bully develop understanding and empathy.

Yet, when the very same aggressive behaviours are displayed by siblings, they are typically dismissed by parents and even by the victimized siblings themselves. In fact, victim blaming often occurs, in which the victimised sibling is faulted for angering the abusing sibling or being overly sensitive.

Confusion about the difference between rivalry and sibling aggression prevents people from recognising it. Aggressive behaviours, such as pushing, hitting or breaking cherished personal items, go beyond mild conflicts or fleeting bickering. But parents often rationalise aggressive sibling behaviour – it’s just rivalry, it’s normal, no one got hurt. Sometimes adults even think it’s good for kids’ development to deal with aggressive behaviour – that it makes them tougher.

For some, sibling aggression can be chronic and cross over to sibling abuse, which can leave physical or psychological injuries. Abuse involves objects, weapons, multiple tormentors or sexual assaults. About 4% of US children report that during incidents in which their sibling beat, kicked or punched them, they sustained an injury or a weapon was used. A widely held view is aggression between siblings cannot be abuse. But for a surprising number of children, it is. This false belief has led to many suffering in silence.

Long term effects

Sibling aggression is linked to worse mental and physical health across the life span of the perpetrators and victims. Both experience higher rates of depression, substance use, delinquency and sleeplessness. Additionally, data shows just one incident of victimisation at the hands of a sibling is linked to worse mental health in childhood and adolescence.

Experiences of sibling aggression also influence other relationships. Parent-child relationships can suffer. Some victims may become estranged from their sibling and parents. Additionally, sibling aggression and victimisation behaviour is often reflected in peer and dating relationships.

Origins of sibling aggression and abuse

The cause of sibling aggression can be rooted in family dynamics. Parents may model negative behaviours that are then repeated by children.

Our research found parental conflicts, violence and harsh parenting are all associated with sibling victimisation. In another study, we showed family adversity – such as job loss, illness and death – was also associated with sibling aggression and abuse.

Certain personality traits, such as low empathy and anger, are also associated with being aggressive toward a sibling.

Prevention and intervention

Parents often want simply to stop the behaviour and move on – or ignore it. However, this is a missed opportunity for teaching important social skills. To help children have positive relationships in their lives, parents should teach how to navigate conflicts in a healthy way.

When aggressive behaviour occurs, parents should immediately interrupt it. Without taking sides, parents can help their children from a young age learn skills that lessen aggression, such as listening, seeing another person’s perspective, managing anger, negotiating and problem-solving. These important skills reduce destructive conflict and are associated with better mental health. They also potentially stave off aggression in other kinds of relationships.

In cases of sibling abuse, teaching siblings conflict resolution skills is not appropriate. Engaging in mediation may further victimise the targeted child when there is a power imbalance and potential or actual serious harm present. Being victimised and abused is not a form of rivalry; it requires the family to seek help from a mental or physical health professional.

Research shows it’s time to change the commonplace idea that aggressive sibling dynamics are harmless. Caregivers should take these behaviours as seriously as they do peer bullying or other forms of family violence. Addressing sibling aggression and abuse can improve children’s mental and physical well-being – as well as the quality of their relationships, both inside and outside the family.

By Corinna Jenkins Tucker and Tanya Rouleau Whitworth

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.