Should children attend a funeral? An expert weighs in

“Giving children the option to participate in different ways, like bringing a drawing or placing a flower, can empower them“

By Kate Morgan from Tomorrow Funerals

As a funeral celebrant, one thing I often get asked is whether children should be present at a memorial, or funeral.

As adults, we naturally want to protect children from the deep sadness and emotional complexity surrounding death. But what if attending the funeral could actually help children process their feelings?

As someone who works closely with grieving families and helps them find authentic ways to say farewell, I’ve seen both sides of the debate. While every situation is unique, there are several key factors to consider when making this decision.

Understanding children’s grief

Children do not necessarily experience grief the same way adults do. Their ability to grasp the permanence of death evolves as they mature, and their expressions of grief can vary widely based on their age and developmental stage.

Young children may ask repetitive questions about where the person has gone, while older children might experience emotions in unpredictable bursts – crying one moment and playing the next. Their grief is often sporadic, requiring time and space to process their emotions.

What’s important is that their grief is acknowledged. Even if they don’t fully understand death, they may be deeply affected by the loss, and it’s crucial to guide them through this emotional journey. It could be helpful to consult a grief counsellor with a speciality in children.

Benefits of including children in funerals

Including children in a funeral or memorial service can provide them with a valuable opportunity to acknowledge the reality of death. Being present during rituals can help children understand that death is a natural part of life and that grief is a shared experience.

Attending a funeral can make the abstract concept of loss more concrete and allow children to see how their family and community come together to support one another during sad times.

Additionally, funerals can help children feel more connected to the person they’ve lost. Witnessing how others remember and honour their loved one can offer children comfort and a sense of closure. It allows them to be part of a collective healing process.

When not to include children in a funeral

One thing to consider when having children at a funeral is how directly affected they are by the grief. I would strongly consider taking children to a funeral if they are personally affected by death – for example, if the person who died was a relative or friend of theirs. However, if you are considering taking a child to a funeral because there is no childcare available, it might be wise to contact the grieving family to check whether they are comfortable having little ones attend.

Preparing children for funerals

To ensure a positive experience, it’s important to prepare children before they attend a funeral. Start by having open, honest conversations about what death means and what to expect at the service. Tailor the discussion to their age and developmental level, using simple language, but truthful, clear language is one of the most important things to keep in mind.

It’s important not to suggest how the child might be experiencing the loss, but to remain present to their personal experience. Offering less advice but being open to answering any questions they have may have might be a good tactic.

Explaining the events of the funeral beforehand, for example, who will be there, what will happen, and how other people might act can help children feel less anxious.

Creative ways for children to express emotions at a funeral

Giving children the option to participate in different ways, like bringing a drawing or placing a flower, can empower them to feel more involved and less like spectators.

Providing outlets for children to express their grief in creative ways can be incredibly healing. While a formal funeral may feel overwhelming, here are a few ideas that we give clients at Tomorrow Funerals to engage children and help them process their feelings:

• Art Station: Set up a table where children can draw pictures or create cards reflecting their feelings about the person who has died. Art is often a comforting way for children to express complex emotions that might be hard to put into words.
• Memory Jar: Encourage children to write down memories of their loved one or notes expressing their emotions and place them in a memory jar during the service. This simple act allows them to share their thoughts without feeling exposed.
• Planting Seeds, Flowers or a Tree: Involving children in planting something in honour of the deceased can symbolize growth and continuity. It also offers them a physical and ongoing way to remember their loved one.

Respecting individual needs

Each child reacts to loss in their own way, and it’s essential to respect their emotional boundaries. Some children might feel ready to engage fully in a funeral, while others may need time or prefer not to attend at all. The key is to remain flexible and supportive. Forcing participation can cause more harm than good. Instead, offer choices and let children decide how much or how little they want to be involved.

Watching for signs of distress during the service is also important. If a child seems overwhelmed or upset, it may be helpful to step out for a break and provide reassurance.

Alternatives and supportive strategies

If attending a funeral isn’t the best option for a child, there are many other ways to support them through their grief. Private rituals at home, such as lighting a candle, creating a scrapbook, or visiting a special place that reminds them of their loved one, can offer similar benefits without the emotional intensity of a funeral.

In some cases, seeking guidance from a child grief specialist or counsellor can provide additional support. Professionals can offer tools and strategies to help children navigate their feelings in a healthy way.

The decision is a personal one

Ultimately, the decision of whether children should attend a funeral is a deeply personal one that depends on the individual child, the circumstances of the loss, and the family’s cultural or religious practices. My own experience is that children are more often resilient than adults expect.

By understanding children’s grief, preparing them thoughtfully, and offering creative ways to participate, families can make the experience meaningful, whether at the service itself or through alternative methods.

Grief is complex, but with the right support, children can learn to process loss in a way that fosters emotional growth and resilience.

Kate Morgan is the Co-founder and Head of Memorials of Tomorrow Funerals.