The 7 pillars of raising a boy who likes himself
You can help encourage your son to be a well-rounded self-confident individual
Raising a son isn’t easy. Between the falling academic performance of boys and the near-constant toxic masculinity impressed upon young men today, it’s a tough time to be a boy.
So, what’s the answer? In their new book, Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves, Australian authors – and parents – Kasey Edwards and Christopher Scanlon uncover how to achieve the seemingly impossible feat: helping boys to like themselves.
“Absolutely everything that we can hope and dream for our boys starts with bringing them up to like themselves,” explains the book’s intro. “A boy who likes himself will be successful, striving for his goals because he will have faith in his ability to achieve them.’”
But how exactly can parents instil this self-assurance?
Bringing Up Boys outlines seven key pillars for parents to focus on.
Bringing Up Boys outlines 7 key pillars for parents to focus on
1. A boy who likes himself has a power perspective
It’s easy to underestimate the power of perspective. However, helping your boy shift from a negative mindset to a positive one can have a massive impact.
“Two boys with similar capabilities can be faced with exactly the same situation and one boy will thrive while the other can be crushed,” the book explains. “We can’t always control all the events in our lives… But what we do have the power to control is the way we interpret and perceive these.”
To help give your son a power perspective, try the ‘What Went Well’ exercise. When asking your boy about his day, school camp or holiday, encourage him to focus on (and articulate) what went well.
2. A boy who likes himself has strength of character
Strength of character refers to the ability to use your skills generously.
Rather than focusing solely on ourselves, strength of character allows us to use our abilities to help others as well. Traditional masculinity teaches boys to seek signs of power for self-worth, but this kind of external validation is fleeting. “A boy who is raised with strength of character,” on the other hand, “will not shatter in the face of challenge of adversity.”
One tactic you can use to foster strength of character in your boy is to help him identify his emotions. While it can be tough to push your son past a one-word non-answer, challenge him to name his feelings as precisely as possible. “Instead of saying he’s ‘happy’, for example, he might be curious. Or, he might say he’s sad. But, on further reflection, the source of his sadness might be feeling powerless.” Emotion wheels can be found online which show a broad spectrum of emotions, rather than the stock standards. These can help your boy to name – and then tame – his emotions.
3. A boy who likes himself has body confidence
We’re used to talking about body image when it comes to girls and women, but how do the same issues trouble boys and men?
If you’ve seen a modern action figure, you might have realised that they’ve become muscular beyond belief. “Just as for girls, fat stigma and body shame can have a disastrous effect on boys’ mental health, physical health, and relationships.”
While this advice might sound obvious, one of the best ways to encourage body confidence in your boy is by watching what you say. Research shows that parents are less likely to hold back on negative comments when it comes to sons, but harsh words can have a lasting impact.
The best thing that parents can do when it comes to helping build a positive body image in their children is to stop talking about how all bodies look. Instead, try shifting your focus to what bodies do to teach your son that the value of health extends far beyond looks alone.
4. A boy who likes himself has balance
There’s a societal myth that pushing our boys can help them improve. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Pushing boys is counterproductive because it teaches them to only perform for external rewards or to avoid punishment. The risk becomes that as soon as your back is turned or the pressure comes off, they stop achieving. The end goal is to teach our boys the skills of internal motivation, so they achieve for themselves. Without the nagging!
5. A boy who likes himself has mastery and independence
“If your boy does not struggle he will not achieve mastery. And if he doesn’t achieve mastery he will find it difficult to believe in himself and like himself.” As parents, it can be difficult to watch our sons struggle, but by allowing boys to face challenges, you give them the aspect to learn and grow.
6. A boy who likes himself has strong relationships
Girls’ friendships are often thought of as being deep and complex, but what about boys?
Too often, we assume that it’s easy for boys to make friends – but the reality is that many boys feel the opposite. “Many boys, and the men that they grow into, never really learn the skills of making and maintaining friendships,” says the book. Studies have shown that boys with strong friendships not only have improved mental health outcomes, but also have improved physical health into manhood.
7. A boy who likes himself is himself
On the most fundamental level, boys who like themselves have the freedom to be themselves. But what prevents boys from truly feeling like they can express themselves?
Coined by researchers, the term ‘Man Box’ refers to the idea that there is a set way to be a boy. The man box contains “all the familiar ideas associated with masculinity: being tough, not showing any emotions, being the breadwinner, to always be in control and to control women and to use violence to solve problems”.
While it might sound like a phenomenon of the past, the Man Box is well and truly alive in modern culture. And not only is it pervasive, but it plays a huge role in teaching boys that they’re not likeable as they are.
Luckily, parents can help. By allowing your son to escape the Man Box at home, you can help foster his natural self. “Give him the time, space, and freedom to discover who he really is, the values he wants to hold, and the type of man he wants to grow into.” By pointing out examples from TV and movies, you can begin to ask your son questions about why we believe that men should behave in certain ways. Try to encourage your boy to critically think about typical Man Box behaviours to understand if they’re truly qualities that he wants to embody.
There is no one way to raise a son who likes himself. Keeping these pillars in mind, however, will allow you to set your boy on the right path. By doing your best to instil these seven ideas, you can help encourage your son to be a well-rounded self-confident individual. If you’re interested in more information like this, check out Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves, published 30 May 2023.
